Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
