this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
