dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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