Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
