I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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