I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
