i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
