I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
