Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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