when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
