I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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