Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
