I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
