that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
