I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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