Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
