I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize