He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
