Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
