My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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