I'm eating all of the evidence.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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