she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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