I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
