there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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