It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
