Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
