my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You ruined the universe
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
