My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't notice because vodka
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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