did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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