i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
