i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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