either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
operation harelip BJ is a go
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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