She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
