You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
