I hate your face
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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