I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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