I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
