my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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