i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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