im six kinds of drunk right now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
