dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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