I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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