What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
