made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
