She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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