So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
