I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
