oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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