im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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