I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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