can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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