Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
