I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
