Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
