i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
