Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
