It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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