I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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