I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize