Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
