true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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