I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
